Every time I look at the home page of Billy’s website, my eyes rest over on the part that says Billy is at Miracle Hill and on his way to rehab. I really wanted to believe that that there was going to be rehab in his future and that he would come home. Understandably he would have some deficits but we were ready for that. 

I feel guilty about all the hope I gave to everyone. Was I so naïve and so hopeful that I didn't see him wasting away? No , I guess I didn't see it. It's just like when he was growing up. I saw him every day. I didn't see the changes. I didn't see him as a curly blonde headed baby grow into a dark haired man overnight. I look back in the pictures and they are evidence that he was not winning the fight.

Dave and I recently talked about what we thought was going to be his homecoming, and having to prepare ourselves for caring for a disabled family member. We both thought he had a chance.

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Every night before I fall asleep, I think of and remember everyone who has been affected be Billy’s death. So, I finally sat down to send you a note to say how valuable you are to us .

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This past week-end we had  friends visit from NJ.  Dave drove us around in what we now call "Dave’s Tour" of Panama City and Panama City Beach. The first stop is Pier Park which is a souvenir hunter’s delight. My favorite store is “Just Beachy”. I never leave that store empty-handed. Before we left the store, Dave jokingly asked the gal at the register if they had any openings so that I could decorate our house with my own  earnings— maybe  a  “work-for-decor” situation!

Today I made up my mind to drive the 45 minutes to “Just Beachy"  to drop in to get some information and perhaps an interview. I felt calm and positive until about 20 minutes into my drive. That point  would have been  my furthest solo driven since I have been driving in Panama City. But because I  have been a passenger on so many of Dave’s tours and nights out to dinner, I was in familiar surroundings. Suddenly, I felt all of the signs on my anxiety coming on. The thought came to me that if I had a part-time job, I would be leaving Billy.  It doesn’t make any sense, but when I got home, I cried for a long time. I guess I’m not  ready to let go yet?? 
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FYI - Billy’s cell phone will be deactivated June 26th.